The Most Difficult Thing

This piece was written for Medium, a platform (and source of income!) for writers.

I am sharing this piece here, before it is published on Medium.com tomorrow, with some thoughts that only BreeziDeezi.com readers will receive.

I want to, but I can’t.

I want to wake up early every morning at 6 am for a run that fills my soul, through my soles.

I want to not feel the weight of my personal fears and reality when interacting with others.

I want to, but I can’t.

I want to cry less, and laugh more.

I want to change my mind.

I want to have mental clarity and energy, without caffeine.

I want to start a PhD program with confidence in myself.

I want to be stable in my love-life and not have emotional ups and downs.

I want to drive hours to see my family and spend time with them every weekend.

I want to remember my grandparents without the tears, “it’s been 3 years!”

But I can’t.

The most difficult thing about depression…

I want to, but I can’t.

My thoughts

I wrote this piece while in a wave of depression that made no sense to me. Depressed? I’ve just gotten a job offer I wanted, I’m dating more intentionally, and minimizing (or completing severing) stressful relationships! I should be so happy! Yet, while at work, I started crying for no reason. I know that I’ve been diagnosed with the D word, but the purpose of me writing this was to explore triggers of depression.

Why did I start feeling depressed at work? Simply put, I was bored and not being utilized. For me, work is identity.

Through writing this piece, I hope that I was able to express the thoughts and feelings of true depression, from soneone that was experiencing it at the moment of writing.

All the best to you,

Briana Derry, MBA is a passionate writer, researcher, and marketing professional (M.B.A in Marketing) who is dedicated to teaching others to take a BreeziDeezi approach to career, college, and their confidence. Fluent in American Sign Language and constantly learning, Briana has served as an Academic Advisor, Public Educator, Digital Media Manager, and Mayor’s Intern. She loves to help people with their academic progress by assisting with writing. For business inquiries, email briana.mba@yahoo.com.

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