Patterns Over Promises

From childhood, we are taught, ” When you do something wrong, apologize”. However, apologies don’t fix everything. Choosing to believe patterns over promises encourages better well-being!

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“We can’t be here, again…” I”ve thought this many times in romantic relationships, working relationships and recently, friendships. After an apology, people expect change to happen in an instant.

The expectation of instant change after an apology only leads to disappointment and frustration with others, as well as yourself. In learning to give all that I have to myself (and not relationships), I NOW pay attention to the patterns of people more than their promises. Humans are creature of habit – if you pay attention, you WILL notice a person’s patterns.

man love people woman — Photo by Jose Ángel Ruiz on Pexels.com

Instead of relying on the mere words of someone and risking disappointment, ask yourself these 3 questions:

Has the situation changed?

The situation that warranted an apology, should always be considered. Was it a particularly stressful time? This can help you to better understand that it was situation that led to the problem, not the person. If the situation was common, it can be easier to notice a pattern of issues within the other person.
Personal example: Someone snapped on me for not going to their place to help them on one occasion, despite me always being on call for this person, dropping everything to visit, help them in their career and many other things that I all did, out of love. Initially, I was so hurt that I made a decison that ultimately harmed me in many ways. After taking a step back from this person and the situation, I was able to recall many instances of this person behaving irrationally, fluctuating in their moods, ignoring me for their partners or other friends, followed by codependence. It was not the situation that made this person upset with me. It was just their pattern.

Has behavior changed?

An apology means nothing without a change in behavior. Did the person apologize and never reach out again? They may be expecting you to hold the weight of the relationship moving forward – ask yourself if it’s worth it. Have they made steps toward changing themselves for the better? This can involve personal therapy, time apart to deal with any codependence, or whatever you believe to be effective CHANGE. Remember, an apology without change means nothing.
Back to my personal example: An apology was eventually directed towards me. Instead of dissecting the apology for its honesty or to be sure it addressd every little thing that offended me, I accepted it and hoped the other person will work on themselves – without me. Self-love is so much more valuable than how others feels about you – that can change like the weather.

Have YOU changed?

The most important question in believing patterns over promises is: Have YOU Changed? You should evaluate the space that you are in, before wanting or accepting an apology. Are you still upset? Are you codependent? Do you love this person more than you love yourself?

Thank you for reading. How do you feel about apologies? Share your thoughts below!

Briana Derry, MBA is a passionate writer, researcher, and marketing professional (M.B.A in Marketing) who is dedicated to teaching others to take a BreeziDeezi approach to career, college, and their confidence. Fluent in American Sign Language and constantly learning, Briana has served as an Academic Advisor, Public Educator, Digital Media Manager, and Mayor’s Intern. She loves to help people with their academic progress by assisting with writing. For business inquiries, email briana.mba@yahoo.com.

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