I have been… erratic? or impulsive in my choices..? My therapist says grief will do that to you.
It’s been an interesting year for Teachers everywhere.
I had to spray my kid’s desk with lysol every 30 minutes…
2 kids tested positive for COVID, branding my place of employment as a “COVID campus“…
I was threatened with “sub pay” unless I took the $118 PPR exam by Oct 14th. I took it Friday Oct 9th, the day before laying my grandpa to rest. I did not study. I aced the test.
I returned to work to more chaos, but hey, all I needed now was my principal recommendation to finally get my standard teaching certificate in a system in which my credentials would continue to be threatened based on admin’s temperament.
Administration knows I need this recommendation.
My emails are ignored.
Yet, admin finds their way into every one of my virtual and in person classes (the hybrid model was hell all on its own), critiques me for: teaching numeration to 56 instead of 40 and zoom crashing – i am also “not good at collaboration” (although our plannings are just a bunch of stressed, confused women, asking question vs offering solutions).
The teacher’s back, BROKE IN HALF, on Oct 14th, 2020.
As the day ends, I am sitting at the door for dismissal. Our dismissal process is insane. Names are literally yelled over the PA system. “PLEASE RELEASE JENNY MARTINO!”. Bus numbers, yelled out of order. All while sitting in a room of 6 year olds that know , the day is over and they just want to talk to their teacher…
As if I wasn’t already stressed trying to listen for dismissal,
The next-door teacher, who said NOTHING to me throughout the entire, difficult day, comes into my room. She stands in my doorway, arms up and everything, firing questions at me.
She is not answering any of the questions I posed via our group-chat repeatedly that day; She is only asking questions that can make her night easier when she goes home to work and blow up the group chat. Meanwhile, I am planning to go home to a bottle of Merlot. I engage , to my detriment, but because I know of the whispers about me and my “collabortion”…
A child in my class falls asleep. and misses his bus.
The coteacher notices, and volunteers to escorts him to the office. I leave.
I truly feel that when she escorted him she said “I found him asleep in “breezideezi’s” class and she was gone!”
I am about 3 minutes away from the campus on my way home (35 minute commute daily, both directions) when the principal and AP call at the same time.
I know it isn’t good.
I am YELLED at for “neglecting a student”.
“Miss “Breezideezi”, leaving a kid in a class is like leaving them in the car… your demeanor says a lot and shows you do not care.. now i have to get this kid home and explain this to their parent… we will meet first thing in the morning!!”
I GO TO HAPPY HOUR.
and then bed.
I woke up so early, with paralyzing anxiety in my chest,(a familiar feeling by now). While en route to my source of anxiety, I knew I was done.
I arrived to work earlier than I have all year.
Simply, to end it.
I am teaching myself to trust my coach’s philosophy that LOVE, not fear, will guide me. The love I have for making my grandparents proud, the love i have for learning, teaching and writing – not the fear of getting COVID at work or failing some random observation.
Interested in your thoughts.